What did you say your name was? I want to make sure I’m screaming the right name tonight.
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What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?
A brunette with bad breath.
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What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
An off shore drilling platform.
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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said:
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said:
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said:
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said:
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'
0
A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist's office having her annual checkup, when she heard the doctor talking to himself as he examined her: "My, what a big vagina! ... My, what a big vagina!"

The lady was, to put it mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type she spoke up immediately: "Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unprofessional of you to say something like that. To say such a thing once was bad enough, but twice is outrageous!"

"I'm very sorry" replied the doctor "please forgive me. But just to set the record straight, I only said it ONCE ... Once ... once ..."
1
A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas.

The man objects again: "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says: "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"
0
Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asked the class the question again and this time Sam raised his hand. "Yes, Sam?"

"Mr. Sampson, Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have three things to tell you:

First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
0
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother: "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother
again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they!"
0
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked:
"Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted: "Well, yes I did." She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100". After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
1
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by a very old Chinese man with a long gray beard.
"I'm lost" said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly" the Chinese man said "but on one condition."
"If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'".
"OK" said the man and entered the house. Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he went back to his room exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy" he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones were better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign that read:
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."
0
Guy: "Were you raised on a chicken farm?"
Girl: "No, why?"
Guy: "Cause you sure know how to raise some cock!"
5
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her:
"Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmm, $10,000... OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"
0
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist.

After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
0
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, No, " he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
1
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first boy came to the door and said:
"I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
"No," the farmer said.

The second boy came to the door and said:
"I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
"No."

The third boy came to the door and said to the farmer.
"Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.
0
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said:
"Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". What's your name?" she asked.
He answered:
"B.J. Titsengolf."
3
At a party, a woman was observing a child who would hold his chest whenever he bent down. After a few minutes, the woman asked the kid:
"Why do you hold your chest whenever you bend down?"

The kid said:
"One day, my teacher was writing on the board, the chalk fell down and when my teacher bent down to pick up the chalk, I saw her lungs comes out of her chest."
0
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"
0
A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date. He asks her if she had a good time. She tells him yes but that to get her really horny, she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.

The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.

The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom. He asks her:
"Well, was I rough?"

"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.

"And was I Tough?" he asks.

"Oh yes," she moans.

"Well then, it's time to be selfish".

So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a handjob.
0
In the year 2000, the University Malaya did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $200000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University Sains Malaysia decided to do their own study. After $500000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Nilai College, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $50, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
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