Don't tell me if you want me to take you out to dinner. Just smile for yes, or do a backflip, somersault, counter-spin gymnastics combination for no.
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Can I follow you where you're going right now? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams!
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Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk past you again?
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Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.
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I’m no mathematician, but I’ve been told I’m good with numbers. How about you give me yours so I can prove it?
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I think there’s something wrong with my phone. Your number’s not in it.
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Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you.
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What did you say your name was? I want to make sure I’m screaming the right name tonight.
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Hey, my name’s Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
1
A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says:
"Can I join you?"
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What's the fastest way to drown a blonde?
Tell her that the tiles on the bottom of the pool are scratch and sniff.
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What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?
A brunette with bad breath.
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What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
An off shore drilling platform.
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What is the longest word in the English language?
Smiles because there is a mile between it's first and last letter!
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(It was the 70's...)
Mum: "I've decided to become a fully liberated woman and go bra-less. How do I look?"
Dad: "Beautiful! All the wrinkles have gone out of your face."
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Dad: Please make me a sandwich.
Mom: POOF! you're a sandwich!
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When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
1
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think:
'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'
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