Don't tell me if you want me to take you out to dinner. Just smile for yes, or do a backflip, somersault, counter-spin gymnastics combination for no.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk past you again?
What did you say your name was? I want to make sure I’m screaming the right name tonight.
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said:
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank god!" his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked:
"Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted: "Well, yes I did." She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100". After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date. He asks her if she had a good time. She tells him yes but that to get her really horny, she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.

The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.

The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom. He asks her:
"Well, was I rough?"

"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.

"And was I Tough?" he asks.

"Oh yes," she moans.

"Well then, it's time to be selfish".

So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a handjob.
I never get jealous when I see my ex with another girl because my parents taught me to give up my used toys to the less fortunate.
Two late teenagers were chatting on an isolated bench in the park. After a while, the boy started touching the girl.

Teen girl: Stop touching me - all these, only after marriage!

Teen boy: OK then, call me when you are married!
A man to his friend: "At my house I always say the last word".
His friend: "What is the word?"
The man: "I am sorry. Forgive me"
Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband:
"Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied:
"Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them:
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked:
"Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied:
"A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Now, which is Worse?

1) having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match on TV. Early in the second round, one of the fighters went down for the count. The husband sighed and spoke:
"I'm so disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!"
His wife replied:
"Good! Now you know how I feel."

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?


My team lost. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife:
"If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife smiles:
"Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her:
"How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick" he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us."

"It's just a small blowjob" he insists "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby, don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks:
"Dad says either you blow him, I blow him or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself. But for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks" the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for the first time in their hotel.

They start to undress and he says: "God, I never realized that your tits were this small."

The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out.

While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. The first man said: "Hey, What happened?"

"Well, I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight and all I said was, 'Oh I never knew your ass was that big.' and she just threw me out just like that.

Just then a third guy also on his wedding night like the first two guys, comes storming out into the hall.

"Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?" ask the two men already outside.

"No" says the third guy, "but I bloody well could have."
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