Don't tell me if you want me to take you out to dinner. Just smile for yes, or do a backflip, somersault, counter-spin gymnastics combination for no.
0
A man takes the day off and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears: "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said:
"Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". What's your name?" she asked.
He answered:
"B.J. Titsengolf."
3
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts! my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up, I need to wash my balls first.
0
The President of Cuba has announced that Cuba will not participate in the next Summer Olympics. He said that:
"Anyone who can run, jump or swim has already left the country."
3
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
0
A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match on TV. Early in the second round, one of the fighters went down for the count. The husband sighed and spoke:
"I'm so disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!"
His wife replied:
"Good! Now you know how I feel."
0
HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?


HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

My team lost. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.
1
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says:
"I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says:
"That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
0
A supporter arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went to the office and asked an official,

'What time does the match start?'

'There's no match today,' replied the official.

'But there must be!' argued the fan. 'It's Saturday.'

'I'm telling you there's no match today,' repeated the official.

'But there's always a match on Saturday afternoon,' said the fan, 'even if it's only a reserves game.'

'Watch my lips,' shouted the irate official. 'There is no M-A-T-F-C-H today!'

'Well, for your information,' the would-be spectator shouted back, 'there's no F in match.',

'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' yelled the official.
0
At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator, suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens flying bottles.

'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'

'That's just what I'm worried about' said the fan 'My name's Johnny Walker'
0
We've got the best football team in the country unbeaten and no goals scored against us!'

'How many games have you played?'

'The first one's next Saturday.'
0
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents' she said.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well, everyone kept yelling: 'Get the quarter back!'
0
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him: "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
0
These 3 men went out for a camp high up on the mountains. When it was night they all huddled up in a small tent right next to each other. They were freezing and hugged each other to keep warm then they eventually fell asleep. When they woke up in the morning a man sleeping on the right side said:
"I had a dream that someone was holding my penis"
The man on the left said:
"I had a dream that someone was holding my penis too!"
Then the man between them said:
"I had a dream that I was skiing!"
1
(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)

Me: "Can I help you?"

Customer: "Gimme all the fucking medicine!"

(Teen pulls out an air-soft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)

Me: "The pharmacy is in the back of the store."

Customer: "Oh...okay."

(He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)

Manager: "Who was that?"

Me: "Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy."

Manager: "Why didn't you call the police?"

(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year old boxer built like a fridge.)

Me: "Doug started working today."
0
Q. Why don't blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog
0
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
0
People with a cold ... "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible"

People with Corona Virus ... "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago"
0
It must have been a woman who invented the Corona Virus!

NFL ... cancelled
Formula 1 ... cancelled
Bars ... Closed
Brothels ... Closed
You have to stay at home ... With the wife
Men ... We are facing a hard time!
0
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