HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothing special. We just flat out tell' em they're gonna die.
Two women were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.

"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other.
"I think he must have his brains between his legs."
"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."
Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5, if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator. I guess we are raised differently.
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
I know a great joke about Corona Virus, you probably won't get it though.
Prediction: There will be a minor baby boom in 9 month, and then one day in 2033, we shall witness the rise of the QUARANTEENS!
Chinese doctors have confirmed the name of the first person to contact Coronavirus. His name is Ah-Chu.
There is this bear, right, and he walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says:
- Can I have a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic Please?
The Barman replies:
- Yeah sure, but what's with the big pause?
The bear holds up his paws and says:
- I'm a bear!
(After my little sister heard the word "boner")
Dad: It's when you're really happy.
Sister: Happy on the inside or the outside?
Dad: Well, boys feel it on the outside, but girls feel it on the inside.
If your uncle jack helped u off an elephant, would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?
- Doctor, doctor, I have broken my arm in several places.
- Well, if I were you, I wouldn't go back to those places.
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.
- Hey, he says, what's with the steering wheel down your pants?
- Ah, says the Irish man, it's drivin' me nuts!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
What did the baby digital watch say to the mommy analog watch?
- Look Ma, no hands!
Violence is never the answer.

Unless the question is: 'What is never the answer?'
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Cool Teenage Martian: I was at a party on Mercury last night.

His Friend: Was it any good?

Cool Teenage Martian: No! It was really boring.

His Friend: How come?

Cool Teenage Martian: There was no atmosphere.
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