Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says:
"Can I join you?"
Customer: Do you have any two-watt, 4-volt bulbs?
Sales Rep: For what?
Customer: No, two.
Sales Rep: Two what?
Customer: Yes.
Sales Rep: No.
What is the longest word in the English language?
Smiles because there is a mile between it's first and last letter!
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called.
70s kids: Gramps called.
80s kids: Granny called.
90s kids: Grandmother called.
Kids now: Boomerang.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Dad: Please make me a sandwich.
Mom: POOF! you're a sandwich!
Simon (Student): I brought in French money for show and tell.

Paul (Teacher): Oh, great! Are they Euros or Francs?

(long pause)

Simon: ...They're mine.
A man had been troubled by his inability to achieve an erection. After visiting numerous doctors and not getting any help he decided to consult a witch doctor.

The witch doctor threw some herbs in the fire, shook his rattle and danced wildly. When he was through he said:
"I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. When you are ready just say: 1,2,3 and you will get the largest erection that you have ever had. After your wife has been satisfied she simply has to say 1,2,3,4 and it will be gone for one year."

Later that night as the man lay in bed he said to his wife:
"Watch this! 1,2,3!" His organ sprang to life, larger and stiffer than ever before.

His wife was amazed, she smiled and said:
"That's great! But what did you say 1,2,3, for?
Employer : We need some one for this Job, who is Responsible.
Applicant : Sir, your search ends here, in my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I am Responsible.
Mr Serious: Are you going to take a bath?
Mr Humor: No, I'm going to leave it where it is.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were Prime mates.
I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
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