A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in southern Texas and told an old rancher:
"I need to inspect your ranch for illegal crops."

"Okay, but if I were you I wouldn't go into that field over there," drawled the old rancher, pointing toward a fenced field.

The DEA officer said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"This badge means I can go any where.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Do you understand ?"

The rancher nodded politely and re-stated his concern that he shouldn't go into the field.

"SEE THIS BADGE?" The officer exploded. "This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I want.... on ANY land, ANYWHERE. NOW, HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?"

The rancher nodded again and went about his business.

A few minutes later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by a big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it looked like he'd get gored before he reached safety.

The old rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your Badge, Mister, show him your Badge!"
0
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."

The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket.

Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
0
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her:
"Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked:
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked:
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said:
"Go ahead, Father"
1
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
0
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.
"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling.
"MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!" he exclaimed.
"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked.
"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed:
"MY ROLEX!"
0
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
1
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
0
Q: A policeman is shaving himself. The telephone rings. Why does he cut himself?
A: So he knows where to resume from
0
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court" said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
1
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner. A cop passes by and says:
"What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk says:
"I heard the world goes around every 24 hours and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
0
After having had several drinks in a bar, a man staggers out and starts walking down the road with one foot in the gutter and the other on the curb.
A policeman runs up to the man and says:
"Hey! You're drunk!".
Whereupon the man says:
"Gee thanks, Officer, I thought I was crippled".
0
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
0
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.

Police are looking into it.
0
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
0
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
0
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