Dad: Please make me a sandwich.
Mom: POOF! you're a sandwich!
1
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
1
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
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Student: Please Sir! Did you hear that scientists have found life on another planet?

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Student: They found fleas on Pluto!
0
Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asked the class the question again and this time Sam raised his hand. "Yes, Sam?"

"Mr. Sampson, Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have three things to tell you:

First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
0
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother: "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother
again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they!"
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The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short)

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replaced with"k". Not only will this klear up Konfusion, but typewriters Kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling Kan be expekted to reach the stage where more Komplicsted changes are possible.

Goverments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a teterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil bereseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" Kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations og leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Ze Drem vil finali Kum tru.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized:
'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.'
The paper I used said: 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked:
"Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted: "Well, yes I did." She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100". After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
1
A man takes the day off and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears: "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
0
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his
interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well" said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the
boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook" the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him: Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."
0
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by a very old Chinese man with a long gray beard.
"I'm lost" said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly" the Chinese man said "but on one condition."
"If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'".
"OK" said the man and entered the house. Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he went back to his room exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy" he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones were better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign that read:
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."
0
Doggone Brilliant Joke

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
0
Guy: "Were you raised on a chicken farm?"
Girl: "No, why?"
Guy: "Cause you sure know how to raise some cock!"
5
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her:
"Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmm, $10,000... OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"
0
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
bullet

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.

"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
0
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist.

After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
0
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late" he said "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh" she replied "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well" she replied "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
1
"An engineer, a scientist and a mathematician are placed in a room across from a beautiful girl and are told that every 10 seconds a bell will ring, and that each time it rings they may advance half the distance to the girl. The scientist and the mathematician laugh at this, and when the bell rings only the engineer advances toward the girl. The scientist and the mathematician laugh and scoff at the engineer's foolishness, and after the bell has rung a few more times finally call to him, "Don't you know you'll never get there."

"I know," replied the engineer, "but very soon I'll be so close as to make no difference."

"An engineer, a scientist and a mathematician are spending the night in a hotel room. During the night the wastebasket catches on fire. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire, runs to the bathroom, fills a glass with water, dumps it on the fire and goes back to sleep.

A little later the wastebasket catches on fire again. This time the scientist wakes up, sees the fire, scribbles equations furiously on a piece of paper for a minute, runs to the bathroom, fills a glass with water, dumps it on the fire and goes back to sleep.

A little later the wastebasket catches on fire once again. This time the mathematician wakes up, sees the fire, scribbles equations furiously on a piece of paper for a minute, shouts: "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.
1
A mathamatician who is 65 decides that his wife can no longer satisfy him so he decides to have an affair with his 18 year old office assistant. Later that night he goes to the local Hilton and on the way he leaves a message at home for his wife. "Dearest wife. You are 65 years of age and I find that you can no longer satisfy my needs. I am at the Hilton with my 18 year old office assistant. Please understand my actions.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter from his wife waiting for him at the front desk it read "Dear husband, as you know you are also 65 years of age and I must admit that I have been unsatisfied for quite some time. By time you read this I will be at the Mariott with our 18 year old pool boy. And being the matimatician that you are you can realize that 18 goes into 65 more time then 65 into 18. Please don't wait up."
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