A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are ... my ... test ... results ... back?"
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(It was the 70's...)
Mum: "I've decided to become a fully liberated woman and go bra-less. How do I look?"
Dad: "Beautiful! All the wrinkles have gone out of your face."
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A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13 ... 13 ... 13 ... 13".

The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye.

The moaning voice then groaned "14 ... 14 ... 14 ... 14".
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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said:
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank god!" his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
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Yo mamma is so fat when she stepped on the weighing scale it said: "One at a time please."
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
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Chuck Norris' custom 'CHUCKY' keyboard has no ctrl, alt, shift or backspace keys. It is set to eternal caps and the enter key is marked 'Do It'. There is no escape.
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Chuck Norris has time for that. "Ain't nobody got time for that!"
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One nice day I read about Chuck Norris, that was the day wen life ended as I knew it.

P.S. I love Chuck Norris
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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says:

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent."

"The doctor says Is that right? Well, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back: "Doctor" she says "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly"

"Good" the doctor said "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating:
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said:
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied:
"My wife's first husband."
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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf" says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf" says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf" taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"
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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced:
"Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in southern Texas and told an old rancher:
"I need to inspect your ranch for illegal crops."

"Okay, but if I were you I wouldn't go into that field over there," drawled the old rancher, pointing toward a fenced field.

The DEA officer said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"This badge means I can go any where.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Do you understand ?"

The rancher nodded politely and re-stated his concern that he shouldn't go into the field.

"SEE THIS BADGE?" The officer exploded. "This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I want.... on ANY land, ANYWHERE. NOW, HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?"

The rancher nodded again and went about his business.

A few minutes later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by a big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it looked like he'd get gored before he reached safety.

The old rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your Badge, Mister, show him your Badge!"
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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said:
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said:
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said:
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said:
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'
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A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
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A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist's office having her annual checkup, when she heard the doctor talking to himself as he examined her: "My, what a big vagina! ... My, what a big vagina!"

The lady was, to put it mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type she spoke up immediately: "Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unprofessional of you to say something like that. To say such a thing once was bad enough, but twice is outrageous!"

"I'm very sorry" replied the doctor "please forgive me. But just to set the record straight, I only said it ONCE ... Once ... once ..."
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A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas.

The man objects again: "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says: "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"
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An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodoriser.

Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff.

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Why, yes, I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree."
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