It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
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A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says:
"Can I join you?"
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What's the fastest way to drown a blonde?
Tell her that the tiles on the bottom of the pool are scratch and sniff.
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What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?
A brunette with bad breath.
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What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
An off shore drilling platform.
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Customer: Do you have any two-watt, 4-volt bulbs?
Sales Rep: For what?
Customer: No, two.
Sales Rep: Two what?
Customer: Yes.
Sales Rep: No.
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do {
beer++;
} while (sober);
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What is the longest word in the English language?
Smiles because there is a mile between it's first and last letter!
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How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called.
70s kids: Gramps called.
80s kids: Granny called.
90s kids: Grandmother called.
Kids now: Boomerang.
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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are ... my ... test ... results ... back?"
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(It was the 70's...)
Mum: "I've decided to become a fully liberated woman and go bra-less. How do I look?"
Dad: "Beautiful! All the wrinkles have gone out of your face."
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A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13 ... 13 ... 13 ... 13".

The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye.

The moaning voice then groaned "14 ... 14 ... 14 ... 14".
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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said:
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank god!" his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
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Yo mamma is so fat when she stepped on the weighing scale it said: "One at a time please."
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
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Chuck Norris' custom 'CHUCKY' keyboard has no ctrl, alt, shift or backspace keys. It is set to eternal caps and the enter key is marked 'Do It'. There is no escape.
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Chuck Norris has time for that. "Ain't nobody got time for that!"
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One nice day I read about Chuck Norris, that was the day wen life ended as I knew it.

P.S. I love Chuck Norris
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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says:

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent."

"The doctor says Is that right? Well, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back: "Doctor" she says "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly"

"Good" the doctor said "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
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